You had a mother, too? So did I.
With Mother’s Day fresh on my mind, allow me to share with you some important things my mother taught me. Maybe after reading this, you’ll think of some things your mom taught you.
Here goes. In no special order.
• When dropping your offering envelope in the Sunday church plate make certain it’s turned over so no one can see the amount you’ve given.
• When driving down the street in Bluffton and you see someone who might be on the list of town characters you have permission to drive around the block and take a second look.
• When your favorite sports team is losing, turn off the radio or TV. There’s no reason to suffer through the entire game.
• It’s perfectly within your rights to lounge around your own home in scant clothing. After all, it’s your house.
• Always have some cherry bombs in the house. You’ll never know when you’ll need them.
• When driving by a funeral home, don’t honk at people leaving, even if you know them. (I did this once and was informed that it’s not polite.)
• Feed the birds in the winter.
• Go Halloweening only to neighbors or people know you. Don’t go all over town.
• Do not mow the lawn on Sundays.
• Do not buy groceries on Sundays (this changed as she became older).
• When driving to Jenera on State Route 103 you’ll see many brick farm houses. All of those people had oil wells on their farms. (The farms without brick houses didn’t have oil wells.)
• Don’t waste your time talking with people of the other political party. They are actually horse thieves or worse.
• You can never obtain enough glass jars to store in your basement.
• An automatic dishwasher is a frivolous item.
• When baking a pie, feel free to place combinations of fruits in the mix.
• If you have a party telephone line don’t get rid of it. You can always listen in on some good conversations. Plus a party line is less expensive.
• When you meet someone who you don’t recognize but that person recognizes you, pretend that you know them.
• Always keep a supply of $2 bills in the house. (She never explained why.)
• If possible, drop a few Swiss phrases into your conversation. It will bring a few laughs.
There’s lots more. She offered me advice on sex, religion and which funeral home she’d prefer not be taken to. But due to time constraints, those comments must wait for a later column.
I am, however, very interested in knowing what your mother taught you. I’ll bet it’s just as valuable as the above.
Maybe someone can explain the deal about glass jars in the basement.
